NOT

With the deepest gratitude to my mother and father, today marks the start of 65 complete revolutions around the sun. One of the things that makes 65 a great age is that I get to migrate from Obamacare to Medicare. I happened to love Obamacare. I've had 5 surgeries for arthritis.....and used to be branded with the dreaded "Pre-Existing Condition" label and the cost of health insurance was through the roof. Obamacare saved me about $800 a month. The switch to Medicare saves me about $1,000 a month. Thanks to Medicare, there are much higher quality wines in my future.

In my 65 years, I like to believe I have accumulated a modest amount of wisdom. Most of it pertains to my happy place....the kitchen. So in no particular order, here are some things that I do NOT like in my kitchen.

• WOLF RANGES: Back in 2004, I purchased a Wolf 60" dual fuel range. Beautiful to look at. Worked fine for the first 4 years. But then I discovered the fatal flaw. Most of the appliance's functions were governed by a computer. Apple makes brilliant computers. Wolf does not. In the last 9 years, I've had to have the Wolf serviced no less than 12 times. All to fix the computer. In fact, they had to replace the computer 4 separate times. Nine weeks ago the computer died again and Wolf said they would no longer repair it. In honor of my birthday, Warner Stellian will be here in 30 minutes to install a new Capital Culinarian range. It is a pure, mechanical range. No computers. Just 10 knobs that regulate the flow of gas.
• TURKEY BURGERS: The whole reason that burgers are so legendary is that they have fat. Turkey has no fat, which is why we eat it just once a year alongside dressing made with gallons of butter and massive amounts of Italian Sausage. Turkey burgers are a crime against humanity. Ditto for Salmon Burgers. Once you have made a beef short rib burger with 35% fat content, you will know what I mean.
• KABOBS: Some frigging idiot came up with the idea of jamming different food types on a stick. What that idiot failed to grasp is that veggies and meat have different cooking times. In 99% of the instances when you are cooking a kabob, the veggies will be overcooked and the meat undercooked. That is a ridiculous scenario and can be fatal if you are cooking chicken.
• KALE: Worst tasting stuff ever. You should always use coconut oil when cooking kale as it will be easier to slide it into the garbage.

My new Capital Culinarian has been installed!